the rain’s knocking on my window pane.. it’s 7.20 in the morning.. just had a conversation with him.. before subuh kicks in.. we were just catching up.. after not speaking for a while.. until the time, i somehow.. told him the deepest regret i have.. though not knowing i was feeling it the whole time.
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this is a diary entry.. and if you have any intention at all.. of badmouthing me.. please.. i would have to ask you to stop reading..
what i’m about to write is about the people close to me.. whom (i thought) have became friends.. and have deeply leave a wounded heart in this helpless soul..
but all the words that i’m putting down is entirely my own.. and it might not be the truth after all.. so again.. if you are going to spread bad words.. or have the potential of doing so.. please.. i beg you.. stop reading..
in times, i grow to understand that we have to make enemies.. or hurt people’s feelings to not always be pushed around.. and asked to do even the littlest of things.. i began to become an enemy to myself.. the small heart i have always tries to please people.. but the terrorizing mind i have.. starts to accuse this and that of the confusion.. frustration i felt..
i have friends who told me of the bad things their friends do to them.. and.. somehow, i began to isolate these ‘ bad friends’.. expecting the worst of these people..
but then.. time proves.. i like those people more than those person i called ‘my friends’.. so please, my so-called friends.. hate me as well.. just as much you hate them.. (confusing? sigh~)
i have friends who make plans with me.. (in which i was tremendously flattered)
but went making plans with everyone else behind my back.. though that wasn’t so harsh.. but i felt betrayed.. and then.. expecting me.. to still stick to ‘the original plan’.. would just be impossible.. and ‘two-faced’.. *grrrr*
i have friends who listen to me when i felt down or even slightly hurt..
but somehow.. it just doesn’t feel right.. it’s like exposing myself to the humiliation that is about to happen..or the bad rumours about the leak from a massive tank.. a ticking time bomb that’s about the destroy the reputation i’ve built for so long..
i also have people coming to me for support.. help.. and advice..
and what better way to make friends.. than TO HELP.. right?
(why do i always felt that there is something to prove.. even around friends? sigh~)
but after some time.. when the load is just tremendously heavy.. and other options are just in front their eyes.. why? why do i still have to do these so-called-task?
for almost 21 years of living.. i finally realize that i actually have not found a friend that’s always near.. give support.. and turn to me for a helping hand.. (it’s all about giving and receiving, right?)
anyway..
the friends i have.. is only the ones far.. and seldomly meet.. but still asks a lot.. and for that.. i thank you.. i thank God.. ALHAMDULILLAH..
(if this entry hurt you in any way.. i’m sorry.. i really am sorry.. i just felt like writing..
oh! and literature is not my strength.. so please.. pardon me as well for the lack of bombastic vocabs and longer, more confusing sentences..)
